Clark Flies Home for Friends Funeral | The Jackal

7 Jun 2011

Clark Flies Home for Friends Funeral

Interrupting her very important high level meetings, United Nations Development Program Administrator Helen Clark is returning home tonight to attend a state funeral for a national icon. Initial reports are that the former Prime Minister of New Zealand is grief stricken at the loss of her closest friend. Apparently the whole country is in shock at the news and a national day of mourning has been planned. In a moving press conference, Helen Clark spoke eloquently about the sad news:

“I can’t believe it, my best friend and mentor… gone! I knew he was obese but I thought he was dieting. To loose somebody like that is shocking! Absolutely shocking! He was the best listener and we used to share everything."

Helen said, unable to hold back the tears any longer.

Details are sketchy at the moment, but it appears that Helen Clark's lifelong friend of almost ninety years of age had a heart attack after succumbing to heat exhaustion. This is believed to be due to the unusually high winter temperatures this year caused by climate change.

It’s not the first time Helen Clark has chosen to put her best mate ahead of her political duties. After tens of thousands of New Zealander's marched on Parliament in the 2004 Foreshore and Seabed Hikoi, Helen Clark decided she couldn’t meet with them and instead left Wellington for a wee chat with her best mate Shrek the sheep.

"Because Shrek is good company and I don’t want to meet with those haters and wreckers,” 

Helen Clark explained, cuddling her lifelong friend in a warm embrace. This started all kinds of rumors that are far to obscene for me to write about here. Some people just have no shame.
She’s not the only high profile person attending the funeral. Prince William will fly in from England, taking time off from his Princely duties to attend the flock.

"Eez my best mate to ya know. I jesh luff the wooly bugger!"

Said New Zealand's current Prime Minster earlier today. He will also be attending the service for Shrek who was Knighted earlier this year. Shonkey the Honkey is believed to be especially commandeering the entire air force to take the Blue Greens, Exclusive Brethren, National and Act Parties to the huge funeral service to be held on Thursday. He's reported to be completely distraught about the sudden death of his mate, although he never actually met the likable mammal.

The Herald reported that Shonkey had been practicing his smiling and waving all day long and had almost perfected his walk. It's believed that the current Prime Minster was also instructed to pack his apron and carving knife as his barbecue services would be required.